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I don't recall exactly why, but I was sitting at home one evening last year when the comedian Judith Lucy came to mind. I have always enjoyed her work and often thought that she had great potential as a partner as she has that most desirable quality, the ability to make one laugh. That thought grew a little while viewing her tv show "Judith Lucy's Spiritual Journey" on the ABC, it may have been presented as an exploration of spirituality but seriously, who was fooled? This was clearly a woman looking for some action!
So with this in mind when her name popped into my head I decided that a single man, aware of a single, age appropriate, somewhat attractive, "horny" woman who was displaying numerous mating signals on national tv, should approach her, but how? We don't mix in the same circles, I've never seen her at my local, none of my friends know her, what to do?
WWW, the world wide web, that was my path, a quick search came up with her management company, within moments their email address was inserted in my blank email, but what to write? I laboured for a while over that but eventually came up with an acceptable (to me) introduction, valiantly attempting some of my own humour whilst striving to NOT appear as a stalker, which by some definition I perhaps was. But i needed a "hook", something memorable, if I was to have any chance of gaining her attention i had to stand out. So i looked deep inside myself and came up with this as my closing line, "i'm well travelled and despite my age i can gain and maintain an erection without medical assistance"! Brave? Maybe. Foolish? Undoubtedly!
I signed off, hit the send button and resolved to get a life, i mean really, sending random emails to celebrities, was it a bit strange? Again, undoubtedly! I forgot about it until about 10 days later when i received a reply, i was shocked. It was not actually from Judith, it was from Lauren, an "agents assistant" and it went, "Hi, please see this reply from Judith", it was brief but succinct, my favourite bit went something like this, "i usually brush these things off but your talk of an erection got me really interested", yes, classic stuff! I had just finished a round of golf and was sitting having a beer with about a dozen mates when i read the message on my "smart" phone, of course i shared it with them and we laughed heartily, although some just shook their heads..
A few more emails were exchanged through our constant companion and facilitator Lauren, (i may have been tolerated but not to the point where i had Judith's private email address), the final one in November or December suggested i may like to attend her show at the comedy festival in April, fair enough, although it did seem a long way away. I banked it as another life experience and dined out on my cheek a few times, it has become standard amongst my golfing friends that if i don't turn up for a round i am deemed to have been arrested for stalking, or, Judith has got me detained for her gratification, what wags they are!
Then came another twist, my old school friend Sandi, who i had shared the story with, rang me one Sunday, a little breathless, asking me if I had seen that days Herald Sun, of course not I replied, whilst expressing my surprise that anyone would read such fodder. "There's an article by Judith" she said, rather triumphantly, my pulse quickened, "oh no" I said, "oh yes" she squealed, "and guess what she says"? I groaned, this is what Judith said, "I can't remember the last time I went on a date. I received an email from a guy after Judith Lucy's Spiritual Journey aired on TV. My favourite line was i'm well travelled and despite my age I can gain and maintain an erection without medical assistance"!
I received another couple of calls that day from excited friends alerting me to the article, we all had a ripping laugh, I wrote to Judith (Lauren) a couple of days later to let her know I had seen it and thanked her for the laugh, she replied with something like no worries, it gets a good laugh in the show too! What!? So, not only was i in print but i was now one of those strange people that comedians ruminate about in their routines! Oh the shame!
A couple of weeks later came the invitation to attend the show and meet Judith backstage after, I pondered my fate and queried whether i might be "outed" on the evening, no said Lauren, Judith will not know where you are sitting. So we went, Sandi and I, a great wingman (woman?), we secured our seats, row three, dead centre, I knew I was to be quoted, but how would it be done? Very, very quickly as it turned out, it was her opening gag no less, (apart from her sight gag of bouncing on to the stage doing a passable Tony Barber impersonation). I had considered, particularly when Sandi dared me, to stand up and take a bow when my 15 seconds of fame appeared, but it was all over so quickly i never really had a chance, probably a very, very good thing. She referred to another email i had sent but with relative compassion so i escaped relatively unharmed, thanks Judith!
The show was great, the audience responded extremely positively, there were some good gags, my favourite went something like this, "women are afraid of meeting a serial killer through online dating, while men are afraid of meeting a fat chick"..and there was a bit about anal whitening, I had to ask Sandi if it was true, yes she said, men too! Judith is a pro, no doubt about it, willing to reveal herself in ways that others could not, and taking the crowd on a good natured jaunt through various eccentricities of every day life, bravo!
Pushing on that stage door after the show was very difficult, what was awaiting us? I nervously followed the directions we were given and stepped into a small dressing room with Judith and two others, it was excruciating, Judith was very sweet, greeting Sandi and I warmly, her friends were lovely too, but I was seriously uncomfortable, Judith gave me a wine, I mumbled something, she commented on my awkwardness, kill me now, I thought.
There was momentary respite when Denise Scott and a few others entered, (I really warmed to Denise and may take in her show on Saturday), but it was a classic case of standing and looking like a fool, or opening my mouth and confirming it, of course i chose the latter. Thankfully Sandi was there, she seemed comfortable and made some intelligent contributions to the discussion, maybe I gained some cred for having a cool friend! Thanks Sandi!
An usher came knocking, it was time to leave, who would have thought that when writing all those months ago asking to meet Judith that it would actually happen? Certainly not me, was it worth it? Absolutely! And it's not over yet, i will have to share the tale with the boys from golf, other mates, work colleagues, their wives/partners, and, of course, when I see Judith on TV there will be warm memories to recall, life is full of surprises, this was a good one!
by Elliot Ness